Great Engineering Quote
boring people, we just get excited over boring things.
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:
In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:
Fascination with Gadgets
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories:
Normal people do not understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature poor toys.
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it is true that normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before they lose their virginity. Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid-thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples for sexually irresistible men in technical professions:
Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below:
Powers of Concentration
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are too complicated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defensive: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books
Chocolate Chip Cookies:
1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Bill Gates downloads here
Where do you want to go today?
In the crapper!
Microsoft Word Speelchecker RULES!
Do not flush mouse pads down the toilet!
To flush, press handle. You do not need to hold Control, ALT and Delete at the same time.
The Basic Program
20: Lower Pants
30: Try real hard
40: If nothing, then goto 30
50: If something then goto 60
60: Wipe Butt
Stop writing these mindless jokes and childish insults on the
Yeah, that's what the Internet is for!
Why cant Bill Gates get dates? Because he's Microsoft
-Rajeev has a 3 1/2 inch floppy! - Carl
-Carl still plays with his wang! - Rajeev
-Yeah, well you both program in DOS - Fred
-Byte me! - Rajeev and Carl
Your mother's so fat, it took me 25 minutes to download a picture of her from the web!
10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is
making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/article/chapter.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
4. I just have to read one more book and then I'll start writing my thesis.
3. The department is giving me so much support.
2. My job prospects look really good.
1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.
|Three engineers and three
accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the
three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only
buy one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
Q: What's the difference between a shopping trolley and a
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just
look at all the joints."
A software engineer, hardware engineer and departmental manager were on
their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep
mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of
control, bouncing off guard rails until it finally ground to a halt along
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front
of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty
mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in
diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full?
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these
guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
If you're short of One-Liners for your student reports you could do worse
than look to these examples taken from US Military OERs (Officer Efficiency
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender
promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For
you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over,
picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
-- I won't stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page.
-- You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
-- Since distance equals velocity times time, let's let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.
-- My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing.
-- Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.
-- Wanna come back to my room?... and see my 300mHz Pentium II?
-- How about me and you go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
-- You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.
-- You're sweeter than fructose.
-- We're as compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes.
-- Why don't we measure the coefficient of static friction between me and you?
-- Wanna see the programs in my HP?
-- Your body has the nicest arc length I've ever seen.
-- You're hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power!
-- I'd like to browse through your clothes like I browse through Netscape.
-- Hey baby, let's make a stress-strain curve together.
1. A number of different approaches are being tried. (We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.)
2. Close project coordination. (We should have asked someone else.)
3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach to the problem. (We just hired 3 guys. We'll let them kick it around for a while.)
4. Major technological breakthrough. (Back to the drawing board.)
5. Customer satisfaction believed assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer is happy to get anything at all from us.)
6. Preliminary operational test were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch!)
7. The test results were extremely gratifying. (It works and boy are we surprised.)
8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.)
9. It is in the process. (It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.)
10. We will look into it. (By the time the wheel makes a full turn, we will assume you have forgotten about it.)
11. Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this job.)
12. Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done.)
13. Give us your interpretation. (Your warped opinion will be pitted against our good sense.)
14. See me, or Let's discuss. (Come down to my office, I'm lonesome.)
15. All new. (Parts not interchangeable with previous design.)
16. Rugged. (Too heavy to lift.)
17. Lightweight. (Lighter than rugged.)
18. Years of development. (Finally got one that worked.)
19. Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)
20. No maintenance. (Impossible to fix!)
The Engineer's Song (Sung to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies")
listen to the story 'bout a man named Jed,
The Engineer's Hymn (Sung to the tune of the "Battle Hymn of the Republic")
Godiva was a
lady who through the Coventry did ride,
An artsie and
an Engineer once found a gallon can.
Now Venus is
a statue made entirely of stone,
Elvis was a
legend, he's the King of Rock 'n' Roll,
Engineer must be politically correct.
"I've come a long, long way and I will go as far,
A maiden and
an Engineer were sitting in a park.
When it comes
to math and science, Engineers-- we kick ass.
The Army and
the Navy were out to have some fun.
peddles opium, my father's on the dole.
heard our story and you know we're Engineers,
Engineers vs. Executives
Engineers vs. Executives Therom: Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives.
Proof Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Posulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows, Work = Power/Time
Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we get;
Solving for money, we find Work =Money/Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.
Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.
Note: It has been speculated that the reason why Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard's math program was because he stumbled upon this proof as an undergraduate, and dedicated the rest of his career to the pursuit of ignorance.
File their nails with a Leatherman- or a Gerber.
Make jewelry out of wire, resistors, transistors, and chips.
Don't think of male engineers as dorks.
Refer to impotence as system failure.
Would rather discuss the strength of a bridge than the strength of their relationship.
Know why a Dickies purse is cool.
Think tools are romantic gifts.
Have thought about re-engineering a bra.
Have tried to make a bra out of duct tape.
Read Popular Mechanics instead of Cosmo for fashion tips.
Are the only ones smart enough to enter into a field that is 95% male.
Have used nail polish remover for more than just removing nail polish.
Know the value of hairspray's flammable properties.
How can you tell if your child is going to be an engineer?
Watch for these tell-tale warning signs:
You buy your child an educational software program, and she asks which authoring tool it was written in.
Your child has torn apart his teddy bear and is studying the chemical composition of the filling.
She can program you VCR, while you haven't been able to get it to stop blinking "12:00."
He has removed the voice box from his Talking Elmo doll and reprogrammed it to recite the periodic table.
She has replaced the arms and legs of her Barbie Doll with bionic limbs.
He is picked last on every sports team.
You take her to see Disney's "Hunchback of Notre Dame," and all she's interested in is the computer animation.
He has Bill Gates posters in his room.
She believes that if she's really good, Santa will give her a client/server network for Christmas.
He throws a temper tantrum every time you refuse to take him into Fry's.
She has accepted a scholarship to MIT. And she's five.
He gets in fights in school because he owns a PC and the other kids use a Mac.
She can't get a date.
He has defeated the "child-guard" software on your Web browser and has connected to www.playboy.com.
Forget Dr. Seuss and Beatrix Potter. She wants you to read her Carl Sagan.
When he is asked to play the Star of Bethlehem in the Christmas pageant, he asks, "Am I a white dwarf or red giant?"
How Engineers Do It
Engineers do it with precision.
Electrical engineers are shocked when they do it.
Electrical engineers do it on an impulse.
Electrical engineers do it with large capacities.
Electrical engineers do it with more frequency and less resistance.
Electrical engineers do it with more power and at higher frequency.
Mechanical engineers do it with stress and strain.
Mechanical engineers do it with less energy and greater efficiency.
Chemical Engineers do it in fluidized beds.
City planners do it with their eyes closed.
Q: How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. They are all too busy trying to design the perfect light bulb.
A2: Only the one with the instruction manual.
A3: One. But she would insist that the way she did it was distinctive.
A4: Three. One to hold the ladder, one to hold the light bulb, and the third to interpret the Japanese text.
A5: Five. One to design a nuclear-powered light bulb that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of the USA using that nuked light bulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch.
A6: None. "According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist."
Q: What's the
difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil engineers build targets.
Normal People vs. Engineers
Redneck Professional Engineering Exam
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 Lb. possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A) 66 Ford Fairlane B) 69 Chevrolet Chevelle C) 64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Pabst Blue Ribbons will be consumed in cutting the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented its charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?
9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?
The Retired Engineer
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later his comapny contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark......................$1
Knowing where to put it........$49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired in peace
Salesmen (engineers will love this)
An enthusiastic but somewhat unscrupulous salesman was waiting to see the purchasing agent of an engineering firm. The salesman was there to submit his company's bid, or price quote, for a particular job. He couldn't help but notice, however, that a competitor's bid was on the purchasing agent's desk. Unfortunately, the actual figure was covered by a juice can. The temptation to see the amount quoted became too much, and the salesman reached over and lifted the can. His heart sank as he watched thousands of BB pellets pour from the bottomless can and scatter across the floor.
The Top 10 Things Engineering School Didn't Teach
10. There are about 10 types of capacitors.
9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it doesn't work.
8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
6. Always try to fix the hardware with the software.
5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
3. Engineers rule the world until the next revision.
2. If you like junk food, caffeine, and all-nighters, then you should go into software.
1. Dilbert is a documentary.
The Recommended Practices Committee of the International Society of Philosophical Engineers' Universal Law for Naive Engineers
Law #1: In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.
Law #2: Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of most harm.
Law #3: In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from engineering handbooks) are to be treated as variables.
Law #4: The best approximation of service conditions in the laboratory will not begin to meet those conditions encountered in actual service.
Law #5: The most vital dimension on any plan drawing stands the most chance of being omitted.
Law #6: If only one bid can be secured on any project, the price will be unreasonable.
Law #7: If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent production units will malfunction.
Law #8: All delivery promises must be multiplied by a factor of 2.0.
Law #9: Major changes in construction will always be requested after fabrication is nearly complete.
Law #10: Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
Law #11: Interchangeable parts won't.
Law #12: Manufacturer's specifications of performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.5.
Law #13: Salespeople's claims for performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.25.
Law #14: Installation and Operating Instructions shipped with the device will be promptly discarded by the Receiving Department.
Law #15: Any device requiring service or adjustment will be the least accessible.
Law #16: Service conditions as given on specifications will be exceeded.
Law #17: If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.
Law #18: Identical units which test in an identical fashion will not behave in an identical fashion in the field.
Law #19: If, in engineering practice, a safety factor is sent through the service experience at an ultimate value, an ingenious idiot will promptly calculate a method to exceed said safety factor.
Law #20: Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.
Law #21: The rule for engineers: "Change the data to fit the curve."
You Might be an Engineer If... (Part One)
... the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
... you can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
... you order pizza over the Internet and pay for it with your home banking software.
... a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception.
... all your sentences begin with "what if."
... at Christmas, it goes without saying that you'll be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
... buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
... Dilbert is your hero.
... everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
... in college, you thought "Spring Break" was a metal fatigue failure.
... on vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than someone else who is reading a John Grisham novel.
... people groan at the party when you pick out the music.
... the blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you like a tractor beam to fix it.
... the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
... the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.
... when you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on the salesperson talking with customers, you butt in to correct him, and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions while the salesperson stands silently by, nodding his head.
... you are always late to meetings.
... you are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
... you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say so out loud.
... you are convinced you can build a phazer from your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment.
You Might be an Engineer If... (Part Two)
... you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor.
... you are still drinking Mr. Pibb.
... you are at a wine tasting and you find yourself paying more attention to the cork screws than the '84 Chardonnay.
... you bought your wife a new CD Rom for her birthday.
... you can name at least 6 Star Trek episodes.
... you can quote the scenes from any Monty Python movie.
... you can type 70 words per minute but you can't read your own handwriting.
... you can't fit any more colored pens in your pocket.
... you can't remember where you parked your car for the third time this week.
... you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.
... you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
... you disdain people who use low baud rates.
... you do Darth Vader or Battlestar Galactica impersonations by talking into a spinning fan.
... you drive a Gremlin with a "Beam me up Scotty" bumper sticker.
... you ever burned down the gymnasium with your science fair project.
... you ever forgot to get a haircut... for 6 months.
... you find yourself at the airport on your vacation studying the baggage handling equipment.
... you go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards to see how they do the special effects.
... you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
... you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
You Might be an Engineer If... (Part Three)
... you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
... you have ever debated who was a better captain: Kirk or Picard.
... you have ever owned a calculator with no equals key and know what PRN stands for.
... you have ever purchased an appliance "as-is".
... you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
... you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside.
... you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
... you have modified your can opener to be microprocessor driven.
... you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
... you have never backed up your hard drive.
... you have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you have been married.
... you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
... you just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.
... you know how to take the cover off your computer and what size screwdriver to use.
... you know the altitude limits for turning on and off electronic equipment on commercial flights.
... you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
... you know what "http://" stands for.
... you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
... you own official "Star Trek" anything.
... you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
You Might be an Engineer If... (Part Four)
... you rearrange the dishwasher to maximize the packing factor.
... you remember half a dozen passwords and your ten-digit Compuserve address, but you have to call your niece "kiddo."
... you rooted for HAL.
... you see a good design and still have to change it.
... you spend more time on your home computer than in your car.
... you spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.
... you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
... you talk about the high resolution and picture-in-picture capability of your big screen TV while everybody is watching the Superbowl.
... you talk about trellis code modulation at parties.
... you think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory.
... you think of the gadgets in your office as "friends" but forget to send your father a birthday card.
... you think Sales and Marketing are Satan's children.
... you think that when people around you yawn it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
... you think your computer looks better without the cover.
... you thought the contraption ET used to phone home was stupid.
... you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
... you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car.
... you walk around with your hands in your front pockets 99% of the time.
... you wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa.)
You Might be an Engineer If... (Part Five)
... you window shop at Radio Shack.
... you would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
... you've already calculated how much you make per second.
... you've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.
... your four basic food groups are 1) Caffeine 2) Fat 3) Sugar and 4) Chocolate.
... your checkbook always balances.
... your dress clothes come from Sears.
... your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal.
... your favorite actor is R2D2.
... your favorite character on Gilligan's Island was "The Professor."
... your favorite James Bond character is "Q," the guy who makes the gadgets.
... your favorite place in San Francisco is the Exploratorium.
... your favorite TV show is "New Yankee Workshop."
... your girlfriend says the way you dress is no reflection on her.
... your idea of a "good read" is the Edmund Scientific catalog.
... your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.
... your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
... your Internet bill is higher than your long distance charges.
... your IQ is higher than your weight.
... your laptop cost more than your car.
You Might be an Engineer If... (Part Six)
... your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
... your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work.
... your wardrobe looks like you shop at Goodwill.
... your wife thinks your taste in ties is bizarre.
... your watch has more buttons than your telephone and more computing power than a 300 Mhz Pentium.
... you consider yourself well dressed if your socks match.
... you wear a moustache or beard for "efficiency."
... you have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.
... you know the second law of thermodynamics but not your shirt size.
... someone tells you its a nice day, and you respond with "it's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 degrees Kelvin."
... you know the ABCs of Infrared from A to B.
... you make 4 sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath.
... politically correct people call you "organizationally challenged."
You Might be a "High Tech" Redneck...
e-mail address ends in "over.yonder.com"
1. Septic Tank Truck sign reads "We're #1 in the #2 business".
2. Sign over a gynecologist's office "Dr. Jones, at your
3. At a military hospital-door to endoscopies "To expedite your
please back in"
4. On a Plumbers truck" We repair what your husband fixed."
5. On the trucks of a local plumbing company "Don't sleep with a
Call your plumber."
6. Pizza shop slogan "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
7. At a tire shop in Milwaukee "Invite us to your next blowout."
8. Door of a plastic surgeon's office "Hello. Can we pick your
9. At a laundry shop "How about we refund your money, send you a
at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot.
Would that be
10. At a towing company "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want
11. On an electrician's truck "Let us remove your shorts."
12. In a non-smoking area "If we see smoke, we will assume you are
and take appropriate action."
13. On a maternity room door "Push. Push. Push."
14. At an optometrist's office "If you don't see what you're
you've come to the right place."
15. On a taxidermist's window "We really know our stuff."
16. In a podiatrist's office "Time wounds all heels."
17. On a fence "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
18. At a car dealership "The best way to get back on your feet -
19. Outside a muffler shop "No appointment necessary. We hear you
20. In a veterinarian's waiting room "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit!
21. At the electric company "We would be de-lighted if you send in
bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
22. In a restaurant window "Don't stand there and be hungry .Come
and get fed up."
23. In the front yard of a funeral home "Drive carefully. We'll
24. At a propane filling station, "Tank heaven for little grills."
25. And don't forget the sign at a Minster Ohio radiator shop
in town to take a leak
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