Engineering Jokes

Great Engineering Quote

Engineers aren't boring people, we just get excited over boring things.
--Anon.


What are Engineers REALLY Like?

Social Skills

Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:

  • Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
  • Making important social contacts
  • A feeling of connectedness with the other human.
  • In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:

  • Get it over with as soon as possible.
  • Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
  • Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.
  • Fascination with Gadgets

    To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories:

    1. things that need to be fixed, and
    2. things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.

    Normal people do not understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature poor toys.

    Fashion and Appearance
    Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming that the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
    Love of "Star Trek"

    Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.

    Dating and Social Life

    Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it is true that normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before they lose their virginity. Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid-thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples for sexually irresistible men in technical professions:

  • Bill Gates
  • MacGyver
  • Carl Sagan
  • Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.

    Honesty

    Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below:

    1. "I won't change anything without asking you first."
    2. "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
    3. "I have to have new equipment to do my job."
    4. "I'm not jealous of your new computer."

    Frugality

    Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"

    Powers of Concentration

    If there is one trait that best defines an engineer, it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days, just to see if he or she snaps out of it.

    Risk

    Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.
    Examples of bad press for engineers;
    1. Hindenberg
    2. Space Shuttle Challenger
    3. SPANet
    4. Hubble space telescope
    5. Apollo 13
    6. Titanic
    7. Ford Pinto
    8. Tacoma Narrows Bridge
    9. Corvair
    10. Chernobyl

    The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:

    RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
    REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

    Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are too complicated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defensive: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."

    Ego

    Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
    1. How smart they are.
    2. How many cool devices they own.
    The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it is solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal - a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature. Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem, they experience an ego rush that is better than sex - and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved. Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use the knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve tough technical problems." At this point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved chihuahua on a pork chop.

    Things Engineers Learn in School

    1. You can study hard and still fail
    2. You can not study and pass
    3. Multiple choice does not mean easy
    4. There are no trains here
    5. Six exams can be written in 4 days, but it hurts
    6. You can skip all the classes, study for 15 minutes before the final and still do better than an arts student in any arts class
    7. Pi to six decimal places
    8. Judging by my fellow students, engineers are either drunks or geeks
    9. Everyone is someone else's weirdo
    10. Front Row people are weird
    11. Those who can, do, those who can't, teach
    12. A 95.75% can be an A
    13. An 80.1% can be an A+
    14. You can kill your neighbors with a 9 volt battery
    15. You NEED an HP

    A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

    The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

    The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

    Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

    The man said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
     


    Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books

    Chocolate Chip Cookies:

    Ingredients:

    1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten
    2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
    3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
    4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
    5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
    6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
    7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
    8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
    9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
    10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
     

    Directions:

    To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

    Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.


    Instructions for Microsoft TV Dinner

    You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

    If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:

    \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//

    Then enter:

    ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme

    If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

    If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your specification.

    Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:

    ms.worthless.nogood/tryagain\again/again.bozo

    This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.

    Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.

    Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.


    Actual Microsoft Bathroom Grafitti

    Bill Gates downloads here

    Where do you want to go today?
    In the crapper!

    Microsoft Word Speelchecker RULES!

    Do not flush mouse pads down the toilet!

    To flush, press handle. You do not need to hold Control, ALT and Delete at the same time.

    The Basic Program
    10: Enter
    20: Lower Pants
    30: Try real hard
    40: If nothing, then goto 30
    50: If something then goto 60
    60: Wipe Butt
    70: Exit
     

    Stop writing these mindless jokes and childish insults on the walls!
    Yeah, that's what the Internet is for!

    Why cant Bill Gates get dates? Because he's Microsoft

    -Rajeev has a 3 1/2 inch floppy! - Carl
    -Carl still plays with his wang! - Rajeev
    -Yeah, well you both program in DOS - Fred
    -Byte me! - Rajeev and Carl

    Your mother's so fat, it took me 25 minutes to download a picture of her from the web!


    Top Ten Lies Told By Graduate Students

    10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
    9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/article/chapter.
    8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
    7. I would never date an undergraduate.
    6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
    5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
    4. I just have to read one more book and then I'll start writing my thesis.
    3. The department is giving me so much support.
    2. My job prospects look really good.
    1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.
     


    Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket.

    "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

    "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

    They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.

    Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

    The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

    When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

    "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

    "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

    When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

    Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"
     

    An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
    The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
    The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
    The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?"
    Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
     


     Q: What's the difference between a shopping trolley and a university vice-chancellor?
    A: You fill them both up with as much food and alcohol as you can, but it's only the shopping trolleythat has a mind of it's own.
     


    Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
    Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
    The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
     


    A software engineer, hardware engineer and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guard rails until it finally ground to a halt along the mountainside.
    The occupants of the car were unhurt, but they had a problem. They were stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.

    "I know" said the manager. "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and through a process of Continuous Improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems and we'll be on our way."

    "No," said the hardware engineer. "I've got my Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we'll be on our way."

    "Wait," said the software engineer. "Before we do anything, shouldn't we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again?"
     


    A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full?
    They agreed that it was.
    So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
    "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff." If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."
    "Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
    But then...
    A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. The moral of this tale is: that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.
     


    To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
    To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
     


    A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
    The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper, I'll ask him.
    Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
     


    If you're short of One-Liners for your student reports you could do worse than look to these examples taken from US Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report)
    "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer"
    "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching"
    "A room temperature IQ Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together"
    "A prime candidate for natural deselection"
    "Bright as Alaska in December"
    "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"
    "So dense, light bends around him"
    "If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate"
    "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"
    "Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"
     


    A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

    Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive... "
     


    An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

    The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

    The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

    Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

    The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a TALKING frog, now that's cool."


    Engineering Pick-Up Lines

    -- I won't stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page.

    -- You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.

    -- Since distance equals velocity times time, let's let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.

    -- My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing.

    -- Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.

    -- Wanna come back to my room?... and see my 300mHz Pentium II?

    -- How about me and you go back to my place and form a covalent bond?

    -- You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.

    -- You're sweeter than fructose.

    -- We're as compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes.

    -- Why don't we measure the coefficient of static friction between me and you?

    -- Wanna see the programs in my HP?

    -- Your body has the nicest arc length I've ever seen.

    -- You're hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power!

    -- I'd like to browse through your clothes like I browse through Netscape.

    -- Hey baby, let's make a stress-strain curve together.


    Engineering Terminologies

    1. A number of different approaches are being tried. (We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.)

    2. Close project coordination. (We should have asked someone else.)

    3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach to the problem. (We just hired 3 guys. We'll let them kick it around for a while.)

    4. Major technological breakthrough. (Back to the drawing board.)

    5. Customer satisfaction believed assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer is happy to get anything at all from us.)

    6. Preliminary operational test were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch!)

    7. The test results were extremely gratifying. (It works and boy are we surprised.)

    8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.)

    9. It is in the process. (It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.)

    10. We will look into it. (By the time the wheel makes a full turn, we will assume you have forgotten about it.)

    11. Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this job.)

    12. Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done.)

    13. Give us your interpretation. (Your warped opinion will be pitted against our good sense.)

    14. See me, or Let's discuss. (Come down to my office, I'm lonesome.)

    15. All new. (Parts not interchangeable with previous design.)

    16. Rugged. (Too heavy to lift.)

    17. Lightweight. (Lighter than rugged.)

    18. Years of development. (Finally got one that worked.)

    19. Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)

    20. No maintenance. (Impossible to fix!)


    The Engineer's Song (Sung to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies")

    Come and listen to the story 'bout a man named Jed,
    A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
    Then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
    He said, "they'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on a computer",

    Well the first thing ya know, ol' Jed's an Engineer,
    The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from here."
    They said, "Arizona is the place ya oughta be,"
    So he bought some doughnuts and he moved to Ahwautukee
    Motorola that is . . dry heat . . no amusement parks.

    On his first day at work they stuck him in a cube,
    Fed him more doughnuts and sat him at a tube.
    They said, "Your project's late but we know just what to do,
    Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you fifty-two!"
    OT that is . . unpaid . . . Mandatory

    The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad,
    Some schedules slipped and some managers were mad,
    They called another meeting and decided on a fix,
    The answer was simple, "we'll work him sixty-six."
    Tired that is . . stressed out . . . no social life

    Months turned into years and his hair was turning gray,
    Jed worked hard while his life slipped away,
    Waiting to retire when he turned sixty-four,
    Instead he got a call and they escorted him out the door
    Laid-off that is . . . debriefed . . . unemployed . . .


    The Engineer's Hymn (Sung to the tune of the "Battle Hymn of the Republic")

    Chorus:
    We are, we are, we are, we are the Engineers,
    We can, we can, we can, we can demolish forty beers.
    Drink rum, drink rum, drink rum, drink rum and come along with us,
    for we don't give a damn for any damn one who don't give a damn for us.

    Godiva was a lady who through the Coventry did ride,
    to show all the villagers her pretty bare white hide.
    The most observant man, an Engineer, of course,
    was the only one to notice that Godiva rode a horse.

    Chorus

    An artsie and an Engineer once found a gallon can.
    Said the artsie, match me drink for drink and prove that you're a man.
    They drank three drinks, the artsie died, his face was turning green,
    But the Engineer drank on and said, "It's only gasoline."

    Chorus

    Now Venus is a statue made entirely of stone,
    There's not a fig leaf on her, she's as naked as a bone.
    On noticing her arms were broke, an Engineer discoursed,
    "Of course, the damn thing's broken, it should be reinforced."

    Chorus

    Elvis was a legend, he's the King of Rock 'n' Roll,
    But the life he was leading - well, it finally took it's toll.
    He realized too late, he'd chosen the wrong career.
    So he faked his death and came to school, now he's an Engineer!

    Chorus

    The modern Engineer must be politically correct.
    No more motors lubricating, no more buildings rise erect.
    No electrical capacitors whose plates are high and fair.
    Instead of problem solving, let's just sit around and care.

    Chorus

    She said, "I've come a long, long way and I will go as far,
    With the man who takes me off this horse and leads me to a bar."
    The men who took her off her steed and stood her to a beer,
    were a blurry-eyed surveyor and a drunken Engineer.

    Chorus

    A maiden and an Engineer were sitting in a park.
    The Engineer was busy doing research after dark.
    His scientific method was a marvel to observe.
    While his right hand wrote the figures down, his left hand traced the curves.

    Chorus

    When it comes to math and science, Engineers-- we kick ass.
    There isn't a course or subject Engineers cannot pass.
    If presented with a problem we can solve it with great ease.
    All we do is reach into our bag and pull out our HP's

    Chorus

    The Army and the Navy were out to have some fun.
    Looking for a tavern where the fiery liquids run.
    But all they found were empties, for the Engineers had come,
    And traded all their instruments for gallon jugs of rum.

    Chorus

    My mother peddles opium, my father's on the dole.
    My sister used to walk the streets, but now she's on parole.
    My brother runs a restaurant with bedrooms in the rear,
    But they won't even speak to me 'cause I'm an Engineer!

    Chorus

    Now you've heard our story and you know we're Engineers,
    and like all jolly people we can down our whiskey clear.
    We drink to every other sport who comes from far and near,
    Cause we know damn sure that we are all a hell of an Engineer!


    Engineers vs. Executives

    Engineers vs. Executives Therom: Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives.

    Proof Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.

    Posulate 2: Time is Money.

    As every engineer knows, Work = Power/Time

    Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we get;

    Work =Knowledge/Money

    Solving for money, we find Work =Money/Knowledge

    Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.

    Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.

    Note: It has been speculated that the reason why Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard's math program was because he stumbled upon this proof as an undergraduate, and dedicated the rest of his career to the pursuit of ignorance.


    Female Engineers...

    File their nails with a Leatherman- or a Gerber.

    Make jewelry out of wire, resistors, transistors, and chips.

    Don't think of male engineers as dorks.

    Refer to impotence as system failure.

    Would rather discuss the strength of a bridge than the strength of their relationship.

    Know why a Dickies purse is cool.

    Think tools are romantic gifts.

    Have thought about re-engineering a bra.

    Have tried to make a bra out of duct tape.

    Read Popular Mechanics instead of Cosmo for fashion tips.

    Are the only ones smart enough to enter into a field that is 95% male.

    Have used nail polish remover for more than just removing nail polish.

    Know the value of hairspray's flammable properties.


    How can you tell if your child is going to be an engineer?

    Watch for these tell-tale warning signs:

    You buy your child an educational software program, and she asks which authoring tool it was written in.

    Your child has torn apart his teddy bear and is studying the chemical composition of the filling.

    She can program you VCR, while you haven't been able to get it to stop blinking "12:00."

    He has removed the voice box from his Talking Elmo doll and reprogrammed it to recite the periodic table.

    She has replaced the arms and legs of her Barbie Doll with bionic limbs.

    He is picked last on every sports team.

    You take her to see Disney's "Hunchback of Notre Dame," and all she's interested in is the computer animation.

    He has Bill Gates posters in his room.

    She believes that if she's really good, Santa will give her a client/server network for Christmas.

    He throws a temper tantrum every time you refuse to take him into Fry's.

    She has accepted a scholarship to MIT. And she's five.

    He gets in fights in school because he owns a PC and the other kids use a Mac.

    She can't get a date.

    He has defeated the "child-guard" software on your Web browser and has connected to www.playboy.com.

    Forget Dr. Seuss and Beatrix Potter. She wants you to read her Carl Sagan.

    When he is asked to play the Star of Bethlehem in the Christmas pageant, he asks, "Am I a white dwarf or red giant?"


    How Engineers Do It

    Engineers do it with precision.

    Electrical engineers are shocked when they do it.

    Electrical engineers do it on an impulse.

    Electrical engineers do it with large capacities.

    Electrical engineers do it with more frequency and less resistance.

    Electrical engineers do it with more power and at higher frequency.

    Mechanical engineers do it with stress and strain.

    Mechanical engineers do it with less energy and greater efficiency.

    Chemical Engineers do it in fluidized beds.

    City planners do it with their eyes closed.


    Q: How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

    A1: None. They are all too busy trying to design the perfect light bulb.

    A2: Only the one with the instruction manual.

    A3: One. But she would insist that the way she did it was distinctive.

    A4: Three. One to hold the ladder, one to hold the light bulb, and the third to interpret the Japanese text.

    A5: Five. One to design a nuclear-powered light bulb that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of the USA using that nuked light bulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch.

    A6: None. "According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist."


    Mechanical vs. Civil

    Q: What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

    A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil engineers build targets.


    Normal People vs. Engineers
     

    Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

    Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


    Redneck Professional Engineering Exam

    1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 Lb. possum.

    2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A) 66 Ford Fairlane B) 69 Chevrolet Chevelle C) 64 Pontiac GTO

    3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

    4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Pabst Blue Ribbons will be consumed in cutting the trees?

    5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented its charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

    6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

    7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

    8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

    9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

    10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?


    The Retired Engineer

    There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later his comapny contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

    The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

    The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:

    One chalk mark......................$1

    Knowing where to put it........$49,999

    It was paid in full and the engineer retired in peace


    Salesmen (engineers will love this)

    An enthusiastic but somewhat unscrupulous salesman was waiting to see the purchasing agent of an engineering firm. The salesman was there to submit his company's bid, or price quote, for a particular job. He couldn't help but notice, however, that a competitor's bid was on the purchasing agent's desk. Unfortunately, the actual figure was covered by a juice can. The temptation to see the amount quoted became too much, and the salesman reached over and lifted the can. His heart sank as he watched thousands of BB pellets pour from the bottomless can and scatter across the floor.


    The Top 10 Things Engineering School Didn't Teach

    10. There are about 10 types of capacitors.

    9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it doesn't work.

    8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.

    7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.

    6. Always try to fix the hardware with the software.

    5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.

    4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?

    3. Engineers rule the world until the next revision.

    2. If you like junk food, caffeine, and all-nighters, then you should go into software.

    1. Dilbert is a documentary.


    The Recommended Practices Committee of the International Society of Philosophical Engineers' Universal Law for Naive Engineers

    Law #1: In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.

    Law #2: Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of most harm.

    Law #3: In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from engineering handbooks) are to be treated as variables.

    Law #4: The best approximation of service conditions in the laboratory will not begin to meet those conditions encountered in actual service.

    Law #5: The most vital dimension on any plan drawing stands the most chance of being omitted.

    Law #6: If only one bid can be secured on any project, the price will be unreasonable.

    Law #7: If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent production units will malfunction.

    Law #8: All delivery promises must be multiplied by a factor of 2.0.

    Law #9: Major changes in construction will always be requested after fabrication is nearly complete.

    Law #10: Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.

    Law #11: Interchangeable parts won't.

    Law #12: Manufacturer's specifications of performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.5.

    Law #13: Salespeople's claims for performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.25.

    Law #14: Installation and Operating Instructions shipped with the device will be promptly discarded by the Receiving Department.

    Law #15: Any device requiring service or adjustment will be the least accessible.

    Law #16: Service conditions as given on specifications will be exceeded.

    Law #17: If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.

    Law #18: Identical units which test in an identical fashion will not behave in an identical fashion in the field.

    Law #19: If, in engineering practice, a safety factor is sent through the service experience at an ultimate value, an ingenious idiot will promptly calculate a method to exceed said safety factor.

    Law #20: Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.

    Law #21: The rule for engineers: "Change the data to fit the curve."


    You Might be an Engineer If... (Part One)

    ... the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.

    ... you can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.

    ... you order pizza over the Internet and pay for it with your home banking software.

    ... a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception.

    ... all your sentences begin with "what if."

    ... at Christmas, it goes without saying that you'll be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.

    ... buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.

    ... Dilbert is your hero.

    ... everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.

    ... in college, you thought "Spring Break" was a metal fatigue failure.

    ... on vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than someone else who is reading a John Grisham novel.

    ... people groan at the party when you pick out the music.

    ... the blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you like a tractor beam to fix it.

    ... the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

    ... the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.

    ... when you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on the salesperson talking with customers, you butt in to correct him, and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions while the salesperson stands silently by, nodding his head.

    ... you are always late to meetings.

    ... you are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.

    ... you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say so out loud.

    ... you are convinced you can build a phazer from your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment.

    You Might be an Engineer If... (Part Two)

    ... you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor.

    ... you are still drinking Mr. Pibb.

    ... you are at a wine tasting and you find yourself paying more attention to the cork screws than the '84 Chardonnay.

    ... you bought your wife a new CD Rom for her birthday.

    ... you can name at least 6 Star Trek episodes.

    ... you can quote the scenes from any Monty Python movie.

    ... you can type 70 words per minute but you can't read your own handwriting.

    ... you can't fit any more colored pens in your pocket.

    ... you can't remember where you parked your car for the third time this week.

    ... you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.

    ... you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

    ... you disdain people who use low baud rates.

    ... you do Darth Vader or Battlestar Galactica impersonations by talking into a spinning fan.

    ... you drive a Gremlin with a "Beam me up Scotty" bumper sticker.

    ... you ever burned down the gymnasium with your science fair project.

    ... you ever forgot to get a haircut... for 6 months.

    ... you find yourself at the airport on your vacation studying the baggage handling equipment.

    ... you go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards to see how they do the special effects.

    ... you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.

    ... you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

    You Might be an Engineer If... (Part Three)

    ... you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.

    ... you have ever debated who was a better captain: Kirk or Picard.

    ... you have ever owned a calculator with no equals key and know what PRN stands for.

    ... you have ever purchased an appliance "as-is".

    ... you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.

    ... you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside.

    ... you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.

    ... you have modified your can opener to be microprocessor driven.

    ... you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

    ... you have never backed up your hard drive.

    ... you have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you have been married.

    ... you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.

    ... you just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.

    ... you know how to take the cover off your computer and what size screwdriver to use.

    ... you know the altitude limits for turning on and off electronic equipment on commercial flights.

    ... you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.

    ... you know what "http://" stands for.

    ... you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.

    ... you own official "Star Trek" anything.

    ... you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.

    You Might be an Engineer If... (Part Four)

    ... you rearrange the dishwasher to maximize the packing factor.

    ... you remember half a dozen passwords and your ten-digit Compuserve address, but you have to call your niece "kiddo."

    ... you rooted for HAL.

    ... you see a good design and still have to change it.

    ... you spend more time on your home computer than in your car.

    ... you spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.

    ... you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.

    ... you talk about the high resolution and picture-in-picture capability of your big screen TV while everybody is watching the Superbowl.

    ... you talk about trellis code modulation at parties.

    ... you think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory.

    ... you think of the gadgets in your office as "friends" but forget to send your father a birthday card.

    ... you think Sales and Marketing are Satan's children.

    ... you think that when people around you yawn it's because they didn't get enough sleep.

    ... you think your computer looks better without the cover.

    ... you thought the contraption ET used to phone home was stupid.

    ... you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.

    ... you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car.

    ... you walk around with your hands in your front pockets 99% of the time.

    ... you wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa.)

    You Might be an Engineer If... (Part Five)

    ... you window shop at Radio Shack.

    ... you would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

    ... you've already calculated how much you make per second.

    ... you've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.

    ... your four basic food groups are 1) Caffeine 2) Fat 3) Sugar and 4) Chocolate.

    ... your checkbook always balances.

    ... your dress clothes come from Sears.

    ... your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal.

    ... your favorite actor is R2D2.

    ... your favorite character on Gilligan's Island was "The Professor."

    ... your favorite James Bond character is "Q," the guy who makes the gadgets.

    ... your favorite place in San Francisco is the Exploratorium.

    ... your favorite TV show is "New Yankee Workshop."

    ... your girlfriend says the way you dress is no reflection on her.

    ... your idea of a "good read" is the Edmund Scientific catalog.

    ... your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.

    ... your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.

    ... your Internet bill is higher than your long distance charges.

    ... your IQ is higher than your weight.

    ... your laptop cost more than your car.

    You Might be an Engineer If... (Part Six)

    ... your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.

    ... your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work.

    ... your wardrobe looks like you shop at Goodwill.

    ... your wife thinks your taste in ties is bizarre.

    ... your watch has more buttons than your telephone and more computing power than a 300 Mhz Pentium.

    ... you consider yourself well dressed if your socks match.

    ... you wear a moustache or beard for "efficiency."

    ... you have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.

    ... you know the second law of thermodynamics but not your shirt size.

    ... someone tells you its a nice day, and you respond with "it's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 degrees Kelvin."

    ... you know the ABCs of Infrared from A to B.

    ... you make 4 sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath.

    ... politically correct people call you "organizationally challenged."


    You Might be a "High Tech" Redneck...

    If your e-mail address ends in "over.yonder.com"
    If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home" Page
    If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop."
    If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson."
    If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
    If your baseball cap read "DEC" instead of "CAT"
    If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
    If your wide said "either she or the computer had to go" and you still don't miss her.
    If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on.
    If you've ever referred to your computer as "Ole Bessy."
    If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal.
    If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all!"


          1.    Septic Tank Truck sign reads "We're #1 in the #2 business".
          2.    Sign over a gynecologist's office "Dr. Jones, at your
    cervix."
          3.    At a military hospital-door to endoscopies "To expedite your
    visit
                 please back in"
          4.    On a Plumbers truck" We repair what your husband fixed."
          5.    On the trucks of a local plumbing company "Don't sleep with a
    drip.
                 Call your plumber."
          6.    Pizza shop slogan "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
          7.    At a tire shop in Milwaukee "Invite us to your next blowout."

          8.    Door of a plastic surgeon's office "Hello. Can we pick your
    nose?"
          9.    At a laundry shop "How about we refund your money, send you a
    new one
                 at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot.
    Would that be
                 satisfactory?"
          10.  At a towing company "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want
    tows."
          11.  On an electrician's truck "Let us remove your shorts."
          12.  In a non-smoking area "If we see smoke, we will assume you are
    on fire
                 and take appropriate action."
          13.  On a maternity room door "Push. Push. Push."
          14.  At an optometrist's office "If you don't see what you're
    looking for,
                 you've come to the right place."
          15.  On a taxidermist's window "We really know our stuff."
          16.  In a podiatrist's office "Time wounds all heels."
          17.  On a fence "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
          18.  At a car dealership "The best way to get back on your feet -
    miss a
                 car payment."
          19.  Outside a muffler shop "No appointment necessary. We hear you
    coming."
          20.  In a veterinarian's waiting room "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit!
    Stay!"
          21.  At the electric company "We would be de-lighted if you send in
    your
                 bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
          22.  In a restaurant window "Don't stand there and be hungry .Come
    on in
                 and get fed up."
          23.  In the front yard of a funeral home "Drive carefully. We'll
    wait.
          24.  At a propane filling station, "Tank heaven for little grills."

          25.  And don't forget the sign at a Minster Ohio radiator shop
    "Best place
                 in town to take a leak


    YOU MIGHT BE A COLLEGE STUDENT......

    1. If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen, you might be a college student.
    2. If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
    3. If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.
    4. If you have ever written a check for 45 cents.
    5. If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles.
    6. If you have ever seen two consecutive sunrises without sleeping.
    7. If your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups (ie.Olympic Dream Team I or II).
    8. If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.
    9. If you cannot remember when you last washed your car.
    10. If you can pack your worldly possesions into the back of a pick-up (one trip).
    11. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light.
    12. If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and introduce yourself.
    13. If you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night.
    14. If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't
    15. If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week
    16. If you eat at the cafeteria because it's"free", even though it sucks
    17. If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy
    18. If you wake up 10 minutes before class
    19. If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them
    20. If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class
    21. If your social life consists of a date with the library
    22. If your idea of "doing your hair" is putting on a baseball cap
    23. If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room
    24. If you carry less than a dollar on you at all times because that's all you have
    25. If you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class
    26. If your midnight snack is microwave popcorn
    27. If you celebrate when you find a quarter
    28. If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over
    29. If your walls are plastered with posters of half naked men or women (whichever your preference)
    30. If you keep a live hamster in your refrigerator to gauge when you should throw the food in it away (when the hamster dies...)
    31. If you have built up a tolerence for certain beverages (he he he)
    32. If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself
    33. If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis
    34. If you get more sleep in class than in your room
    35. If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles
    36. If you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereo
    37. If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes
    38. If you get more e-mail than mail......

    Some Ways to Know That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life

    1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.
    2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
    3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.
    4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
    5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.
    6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
    7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
    8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
    9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.
    10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number", since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
    11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
    12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-)
    13. You back up your data every day.
    14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.
    15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
    16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
    17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.
    18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.
    19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.
    20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
    21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.
    22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a- quarter-and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.
    23. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.
    24. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.
    25. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
    26. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
    27. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
    28. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track *pad*.
    29. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.
    30. You e-mail this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.

     

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